Sometimes you meet someone so new that the glare from their radiant light blinds you like a semi-truck on a stark midnight highway, but how can you look away? What would that mean, anyway? Forgetting you seems an impossibly formidable task that I have a difficult time understanding, when you are in every single present thought, screaming my name in a cold, dark, desolate void. All I hear you is telling me I’m beautiful, all I can see is your smiling face, all I can feel is the love that saturates all of my thoughts. Irreverent longing bubbles up to produce the pink tint behind my cheeks, I glance to the ground while smiling, and the love that we create completely encompasses us both in your topless Jeep. You’ll tuck my errant bangs behind my ear and kiss my forehead, reminding me of the adoration that so clearly emerges from your strong heart, and I’ll whisper my desires into your welcoming ears. Envisioning the days, nights, early mornings of our love-making, wholly engrossed in each other, pulls my heart through these days when we cannot communicate. Come, let me love you. Let me take us through to the end.
All along, you were my mine. You were my always always. Thank you for pulling me out the quicksand, and kissing my mouth once I emerged.
Sleepless nights have been following me around like the forsaken Grim Reaper, stalking my heart and taking away my breath and my peace. The only positive I can grasp from these nights is that I’m awake for the sunrise, and I’ve found myself sitting on the beach, as the world awakens, breathing in the salty air, and marveling at the creation, as the sun slowly shines its reverent light on us all. Yesterday, as the wind and the rain swirled around me, I finally found harmony and reconciliation for my slight troubles, and I relinquished everything to the wind, and it took it away with such fervor. You don’t realize how heavy a burden is until you surrender it. Sleep found my mind quickly last night, and I dreamt of my beautiful family, the house I’ve built around myself, and the concord of knowing that I belong to no one.
You are a single sheet of loose leaf paper, desiring for anyone to place inside their trapper-keeper, to put pen to it and write your love, your story, your feeling into words of authentic affirmation. Erasing again and again, until there are visceral holes in it, has left your weary, calloused hands empty and longing for more and I can feel you striding toward me, like a lion to prey, like a vulture to the dead carcass that is my wasting, wounded heart. Your eyes followed my body as it led itself outdoors and I felt you reaching toward me, to stop me, to grab my hand and yank me back into existence, and reality. Life words cannot breathe actuality back into my dead soul; I am not a balloon that needs inflation, as you are who I am. Are you depth? Are you intelligence? Are you everything a woman could desire, and more? Perhaps. But you are also wild. You are outrageously insecure. Your longing for something else only mirrors my desires and then what? We’re both left broken and eviscerated by lackluster love that has reached no depth, no intelligence, and hasn’t fulfilled any desire we have undoubtedly outlined secretly. Looks could become touches, touches to lingering hugs, and lingering hugs to casual love and then comes heartache and heartbreak. I miss your signals, I miss your lighthouse indicators, I miss your wandering eyes but little do you know, it’s fully purposeful and I’m avoiding you. Avoidance. At. All. Costs.
Have you heard your voice lately? The one you use on Sunday morning. I am intoxicated by it.
When I was 13, I met you in a dingy lake in the god-forsaken middle of the state. You caught my eye with your reckless abandonment that should have been seen as irresponsibility through any reasonable person’s eyes. You intrigued me, left me breathless, and excited me in a way that I could never forget. We gradually lost touch, through space and time, we moved on to other conquests, adventures, and heartaches, no thoughts of each other whatsoever. You could fast-forward to April 2015, where I caught your glimpses from the corners of your eyes. You watched me, I looked at you, tried to study your face to find the boy that I used to know, the boy with the crazy look in his eyes but what I saw shocked me. A man stood in front of me, with a baby, with a girlfriend and a wife, with a life so much more complicated than mine will ever become. Looking back, I never would have thought that my most monumental mistakes would have entailed you, your mouth, and your soft words. Now, I miss you in the oddest way. Missing you comes in waves, and tonight I’m swimming reverently in the reverie of the year or so. Thoughts of you no longer strangle me into submission, I remember your heart in a deeply deferential way, and I hope for only good things in your life, as it has already been wrought with so much conflict and pain. My heart honors yours, and my hope is that one day that will be reciprocated.