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[icon] a lovely recluse
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Subject:Weirdo
Time:02:47 pm
And I was like, why are you so obsessed with me?


I win. Every. Single. Time.
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Current Music:Angels and Airwaves- Call to Arms
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Subject:Freedom Rules
Time:08:55 pm
Memories come and go, like a soft ripple from a sweet north wind on a lake far away, I find myself basking so freely inside of them. In remembrance of all that has ever transpired in my life, I welcome all recollections to meet me where I can look at them, fully and completely, with the reverence they so desperately deserve. I study them, honor them, and place them back inside the filing cabinets in my mind, where they are stored neatly, until I want to peruse them once again. It’s taken many months, lots of heart-breaking work, gallons of salty tears, and nights that I thought would never end, but I’ve finally reached the point where my fragile heart is strong with experience, and my wild heart has the capability to be tame, when it needs to be. Always I will be stubborn, but sweet. I will long forever for normalcy, spiced with passion. Destroying my life though is no longer on the menu. Men who couldn’t hold a candle to the tremendously intelligent, classy, and stylish woman I am cannot hold my heart in a cage; they can’t even enter the royal realm that is my world. Fulfillment from the ones that love my heart has been so welcome, so liberating, and so incredibly life-changing.


“I’d like to say, that you’re my only fear. And when I dream, it slowly disappears. And when I wake, I’m right here by your side to feel your heart, beat in and out of time.”
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Time:01:28 pm
Feelings. Sweet ones, bitter ones, salty ones, savory ones. I love them all and I relish in them individually and without limit. Thank heaven for feelings.
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Subject:junior
Time:11:16 pm
Warmth comes to my bones through memories, like the first sip of coffee after a long night, your love ushers welcome light back into the torrent that is my psyche. Throughout my entire life, you have been present, snaking like a vibrant green vine in and out of my rusty fence, exquisitely entwining yourself wherever you could spiral in. Coming to you, eviscerated and shattered by lackluster love, you would pick me up like a child and nurture my fragile heart, cooing sweet nothings into my ears and reminding me that nobody can love me like you do. Silly girl. Like a doctor, you’ve gently repaired my bloody battle wounds and sutured my broken, pathetic heart time after time, boy after boy, year after year, with no expectation of reciprocity. And I’m so affected by your relentless love, your unyielding adoration, your persistent adulation. Like a soft, cascading rainfall, the memories of who you are percolate through my existence. I can shelf you, like my favorite book, but I’ll bring you down every once in a while, to trace your spine with my fingers, breathing in your pages, to remember what your love feels like, and how our stories will forever be entangled no matter where our lives take us, or how far apart we find ourselves drifting. I’ll break your heart, eat it whole like a raging savage, gut you from the inside out, and make you question your very being and you’ll return to me, with an embrace so genuine that it makes me blush with reverence. It’s only because you know me, my heart, my inner workings, and how I operate. Years drone on and on and you’ve continued to ensure me that I have your whole heart, in my small, insubstantial hands, and the only capacity that I can offer you is my most sincere friendship. But I promise you that I will be your very, absolute best comrade. Forever. I do.
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Time:08:09 pm
The sadness creeps in like an insidious vapor, cascading itself down from the top of my head and infiltrating a seemingly hardened heart. As I stumble through a maze of haze, I can physically feel the breathtaking sting of depression, and it drowns me in a stupor that I can no longer navigate out of. Perhaps the odious action of delving into the sorrow is the only way to retreat, like quicksand I should stop fighting it with such vigor. Rejection, anger, and resentment have become my dearest friends, keeping me in company with empty feelings of regret and remorse, tossing me into the reverie of abhorrent thoughts. And leaving me there. My only defense is the acceptance that time heals all, though the scab of such wounds is oozing with apathy and repugnant hatred that starves the soul of life and love. The contamination is nearly impossible to attack; I feel hopeless.
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Time:08:00 pm
Like a brown recluse spider, I hide away in the shadows, waiting for you to make a mistake that will undoubtedly prove fatal to your waning and wandering infrastructure. You're so impossibly careless that you can't even see the danger lurking in the corner, and I can read you like a pre-teen novel. It's in the way you speak to me, reminding me that although I am a tantalizingly enticing morsel, I am also a lethal monster that will destroy you mercilessly at any sign of conflict. You know all too well that I'll bite down on your skin, penetrate your heart with my venom, causing you hallucinations that mistakenly force you to think you're in paradise. Time and time again, you will retreat back to this demon, with its broken soul, asking for more. But as I revel in the admiration you extol onto me, I can feel the guilt creep in like bile rumbling and expanding in my stomach.
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Time:05:20 pm
Its sad to say that I've lost much of my inspiration to write. I'm very lost in life's currents currently and I'm not entirely sure of how to reach shore anymore. The fact that my body and my emotions are so far out into the sea of bullshit makes it that much harder to conjure up any motivation to start swimming. Imagining that it would take me years now to find happiness is sort of disheartening and depressing but for some reason I'm finding more complacency in this place than ever before. They say moving away is just a cop-out, it's immature and will never solve your problems but I can't think of another solution to chip away at this stale life. I need to excavate my soul but the lack of tools make this effort extremely difficult and now, seemingly unnecessary. I know you'll read this because I want you to, but I ask you not for pity.
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Subject:texas
Time:04:56 pm
Sitting in a comfortable booth for hours, laughing about all these things we've done, I can't help but thank my stars that this path I've chosen has lead to you, to this only boy who's attention that I long for. Forget about all other conquests and mistakes, I'd take them all back if I could steal the void between your arms, I could fit snugly there for as long as you'd want me. You're beautiful, and I think you should know that I'd never take that for granted. This red behind my cheeks burns with an intensity and I don't even want to extinguish it. I won't run from this honesty, from this deep desire, from these alluring touches.

It hurts, then I think of you. My mind plays sick tricks on me, tossing me into a vortex of mistakes from the past, but your face pulls me back into reality, reminding me of a simple fact: you want me. You've pulled me from a muddy stupor, from a sickening cycle and placed my feet on ground so soothing. Your touch is all I desire now, the pleasure pumps through my veins while I exhale with a sigh. You occupy my every thought and while this would normally annoy me, it relieves me. You lift me up. You hold me close
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Current Music:the cure- love song
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Subject:meow.................
Time:09:19 pm
When she knows what she wants, you could call her unstoppable, unmovable and otherwise unreasonable, but she won't sleep until she acquires it. Like a lionness stalking her prey, she'll wait for the opportune time to pounce, without hesitation and without a thing holding her pack. This is an enticing cycle she's content indulging in until she's sick with the pleasure and tired from the chase. And trying to hold her back is only going to leave you dissatisfied and longing more, but you won't be able to keep your hands off. She probably needs it just as much as you think about it so her vigor makes sense. Just go with it, she won't let you down.
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Current Music:eric clapton- layla
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Subject:what's there to write about when you aren't being held down?
Time:09:20 am
Now that you've released me from my eternal cage, I can fly free and far from this place and take whatever hearts I please with me. Through all of this, I'm so thankful that you came out of your selfish stupor temporarily to unlock me from this prison, from this ridiculous life, from all its silly issues. And you can inform me that you'll never speak to me again, but I won't fight that notion because I refuse to continue searching for an asinine reason why I still hold on to you and your absurd expectations. We can honor this abhorring excuse for a relationship by remembering its joy and laughter but we both are undoubtedly aware that there were more frustrations that we could never seem to shake. I won't waste anymore headspace on your headaches and no kind words will bring me back to this place, no matter how insincere you claim you aren't. Signs point to a sure path that I feel doesn't lead to your arms, so I won't cut through and make my own way, forcing an induced connection with a person who really can't stand up to me anyway. Every suggestion is just another five minutes of confusion that is adding up exponentially and I'm losing all that's mine through these frivolous arguments and vacuous discussions. In simple words, I'm done tolerating your revolting way of causing someone pain in order for them to remain in your life and under your spell. It's despicable and you should be ashamed of yourself.
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[icon] a lovely recluse
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